Stuck

I am stuck between wanting myself to be all better and wanting to have more children.

B is in his 40’s and so I do not feel like I have the luxury of time.

Yet I am disappointed in myself and my body to date after the birth of the girls.

I know that some of it is unconscious guilt for my body having failed them.

I know that some of it is grief.

And while I would like to think that I will be able to completely overcome all the various feelings and emotions I have before jumping into another pregnancy, I am not sure that this is realistic.

I am not sure I will truly ever be "all better."

I think I will always be different for having experienced all that I have and all that I will experience with K.

I think about when is the perfect time to do it.

Is it after K walks?

What if she never walks or doesn't walk until she is 6?

Is it NOW so that she can see that baby and imitate them while still at an age that that imitation would be appropriate?