What do I LIKE about me?

I have a lot of thoughts spinning in my head.

I feel to some extent that I have lost who I am/was. I know for sure that we have lost and/or changed the way B and I relate to each other.

I also think part of that is my own self image.

I have not forgiven myself for my body letting the girls down.

My body has changed from their births as well.

I have never had a flat tummy. But I did have abdominal muscles under there. Now I feel they are gone.

I still can't laugh or sneeze too hard without being careful!

I carry a 20+ lb toddler with incomplete trunk control around and yet my arms are flabby.

I am physically exhausted and scheduled out.

I am tire of the same routine day after day.

I crave improvement for K but when it finally happens I am off to the next thing.

I think I have always been that way for myself. When I got the A in the class I went onto the next class without truly enjoying what I had done.

I need to find a way to enjoy myself and where I am now.

I managed K's safe arrival.

I nutured her potential.

I believed in her despite the experts.

I attend, arrange and research 99.9% of her appts, therapies, interventions.

I am a good mom.

But what about me as a person?

What about who I am?

Who am I now apart from K?

How do I nurture that while fulfilling my role as mom?

I am strong. I have faced a challenge physically and most definitely emotionally and am still functioning.

My body has seen changes and has adapted.

I have coped with pain and sorrow.

Who am I in light of all of this?

Who was I prior?

Stuck

I am stuck between wanting myself to be all better and wanting to have more children.

B is in his 40’s and so I do not feel like I have the luxury of time.

Yet I am disappointed in myself and my body to date after the birth of the girls.

I know that some of it is unconscious guilt for my body having failed them.

I know that some of it is grief.

And while I would like to think that I will be able to completely overcome all the various feelings and emotions I have before jumping into another pregnancy, I am not sure that this is realistic.

I am not sure I will truly ever be "all better."

I think I will always be different for having experienced all that I have and all that I will experience with K.

I think about when is the perfect time to do it.

Is it after K walks?

What if she never walks or doesn't walk until she is 6?

Is it NOW so that she can see that baby and imitate them while still at an age that that imitation would be appropriate?