I have a lot of thoughts spinning in my head.
I feel to some extent that I have lost who I am/was. I know for sure that we have lost and/or changed the way B and I relate to each other.
I also think part of that is my own self image.
I have not forgiven myself for my body letting the girls down.
My body has changed from their births as well.
I have never had a flat tummy. But I did have abdominal muscles under there. Now I feel they are gone.
I still can't laugh or sneeze too hard without being careful!
I carry a 20+ lb toddler with incomplete trunk control around and yet my arms are flabby.
I am physically exhausted and scheduled out.
I am tire of the same routine day after day.
I crave improvement for K but when it finally happens I am off to the next thing.
I think I have always been that way for myself. When I got the A in the class I went onto the next class without truly enjoying what I had done.
I need to find a way to enjoy myself and where I am now.
I managed K's safe arrival.
I nutured her potential.
I believed in her despite the experts.
I attend, arrange and research 99.9% of her appts, therapies, interventions.
I am a good mom.
But what about me as a person?
What about who I am?
Who am I now apart from K?
How do I nurture that while fulfilling my role as mom?
I am strong. I have faced a challenge physically and most definitely emotionally and am still functioning.
My body has seen changes and has adapted.
I have coped with pain and sorrow.
Who am I in light of all of this?
Who was I prior?
Sunday, May 17, 2009
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